Dear Bailey

Dearest Bailey/Bagel/Bay Bay/Goober/Bails/Brioche Bun/Basil,

How are you doing? I hope you’re eating well, catching all the balls, being pampered, and still getting all the cuddles that you deserve. I miss you so, so, so much and wish that you were with me right now. I know you’re wondering where I’ve been, confused about why I haven’t come back to take you out on walkies, and understand you might even be a little bit mad at me. And for that and everything else, I’m so sorry from the bottom of my heart. There hasn’t been a single day pass by where I haven't thought of you. I beat myself over the fact that I never had the opportunity to say good bye to you properly, so I hope you’ll forgive me for not being around anymore after you read this letter.

There’s no easy way to put this but it was not my choice or decision to be absent from your life. You know I always went above & beyond to see you regularly and would still continue to if I had the ability to simply because I always wanted the best for you. I love you so much and have never stopped loving you. You’re my best friend; changed me, gave me hope during my darkest days, and most importantly, taught me what unconditional love is.

Equivalent to many reasons why I’m no longer in a relationship with your dad, deep down I knew this was bound to happen one day. I tried my best to prepare you during our walks and cherished every moment with you like it was the last time I was going to see you. During this limbo, it was really tough on me but your big smile made it worthwhile. It’s so crazy how smart you are and how much comfort you provided me for a little doggo your size. Who knew 18lbs of fluff & muscle could read me so well? We truly had a deep connection and not one single human form understood me like you did since day one, let alone another fluffer! I didn’t even have to try hard to train you, you were always just so obedient and easy on me. And for that, thank you. Thank you for trusting me.

I know you have noticed some changes throughout this year, we were only seeing each other several days weekly then unfortunately biweekly. I thought if I obliged your dad’s wishes, this could be a long term arrangement. I could tell you were a bit confused from the first time I introduced you to Tobiko; but you shortly realized that she wasn’t here to replace you, she was around cause it was good for us and you already know how much of a cry baby I am without you. You are an amazing big sister, you know? It still cracks me up how you jumped into the bathtub with Tobiko, while we all know how much you hate the water. No matter how big of a fuss you made during the transition period, we all knew you loved your baby sister. You even shared your food with her — now that’s asking a lot from a foodie (I would know haha). She really misses playing tug a war with you and always asks about you. Actually, everyone asks about you. We all miss you more than you can imagine.

We miss your presence; miss playing ball with you, miss cooking gourmet puppy meals for you, miss your goofy snores even though it keeps us up, miss how you untie our shoe laces when you’ve got the zoomies, miss your comfort when things aren’t 100%. It’s taking us a long time to adjust to a life without you. It definitely doesn’t get any easier with everyone asking about you when they pick up on your absence as well. I always end up making excuses about leaving you home because telling the truth meant reliving all our memories and my emotions again, and it’s really tough on me most of the time.

I never gave up on you, I fought for you over and over again. Well, you already knew that; you’ve seen me. You knew that I was in a bad place and hurting a lot. So could you imagine what I went through when your dad made an one-sided decision to cut me out of your life? It literally took every ounce of me not to go ballistic. So what changed this time? I guess knowing everything that I know after the all these years, I didn’t have it in me to fight back anymore. I was tired of living on the edge and all the childish drama. At the end of the day, I just wanted you have a happy home and to live your best life. I knew you were going to have that in some form, so it was time for me to let you go. That doesn’t mean I love you any less, but unfortunately — the only way I could love you was to love you from a distance.

Although I don’t get to spend any time with you anymore, without a doubt know that you’ll always be my best friend. You’re always on my mind and will always be in my heart. I’ll never forget all the memories we shared together and I hope you now understand why I did what I did. Just remember that if you ever need someone to run to, my door is always open for you. Be a good girl now, don’t cause too much trouble. I miss you and good bye for now.

Love always,
Steph.